Louisa May Alcott
lived most of her early life in
Under a pseudonym Alcott wrote and published
thrillers to alleviate her family’s poverty while also beginning a career as a
children’s author. In 1868 she published the first volume of
Little Women, whose
characters of four sisters and
mother were based on her own family. Sequels included
Little Women, part 2, a.k.a.
Good Wives (1869);
Little Men (1871); and
Jo’s Boys (1886). Alcott never
married but, following her sister May’s death in 1879, raised May’s two-year-old
daughter Lulu. Having
published over 30 books
and collections of stories, Louisa May Alcott died on 6 March 1888, two days
after her father, and is buried in
In Hospital Sketches the main character's name appears to be Tribulation Periwinkle, which combines a semi-Puritanical first name with a silly Romantic surname—an instance of Alcott's playful humor.
from CHAPTER I. OBTAINING SUPPLIES.
[1.1] "I want something to do."
[1.2] This remark being addressed to the world in general, no one in particular felt it their duty to reply; so I repeated it to the smaller world about me, received the following suggestions, and settled the matter by answering my own inquiry, as people are apt to do when very much in earnest.
[1.3] "Write a book," quoth the author of my being. [father]
[1.4] "Don't know enough, sir. First live, then write."
[1.5] "Try teaching again," suggested my mother.
[1.6] "No thank you, ma'am, ten years of that is enough."
[1.7] "Take a husband like my Darby, and fulfill your mission," said sister Joan, home on a visit.
[1.8] "Can't afford expensive luxuries, Mrs. Coobiddy."
[1.9] "Turn actress, and immortalize your name," said sister Vashti, striking an attitude.
[1.10] "I won't."
[1.11] "Go nurse the soldiers," said my young brother, Tom, panting for "the tented field."
[1.12] "I will!"
[1.13] So far, very good. Here was the will—now for the way. At first sight not a foot of it appeared, but that didn't matter, for the Periwinkles [fictional name for Alcott family?] are a hopeful race; their crest [heraldric insignia] is an anchor, with three cock-a-doodles crowing atop. They all wear rose-colored spectacles, and are lineal descendants of the inventor of aerial architecture [castles in the sky]. An hour's conversation on the subject set the whole family in a blaze of enthusiasm. A model hospital was erected, and each member had accepted an honorable post therein. The paternal P. [Periwinkle] was chaplain, the maternal P. was matron, and all the youthful P.s filled the pod [seed-case] of futurity with achievements whose brilliancy eclipsed the glories of the present and the past. Arriving at this satisfactory conclusion, the meeting adjourned, and the fact that Miss Tribulation* was available as army nurse went abroad on the wings of the wind. [*herself, the narrator; the word "tribulation" means affliction or distress]
[1.14] In a few days a townswoman heard of my desire, approved of it, and brought about an interview with one of the sisterhood [of nursing] which I wished to join, who was at home on a furlough, and able and willing to satisfy all inquiries. A morning chat with Miss General S.—we hear no end of Mrs. Generals, why not a Miss?—produced three results: I felt that I could do the work, was offered a place, and accepted it, promising not to desert, but stand ready to march on Washington at an hour's notice.
[1.15] A few days were necessary for the letter containing my request and recommendation to reach headquarters, and another, containing my commission, to return; therefore no time was to be lost; and heartily thanking my pair of friends [humor; reduction], I tore home through the December slush as if the rebels [Confederate soldiers] were after me, and like many another recruit, burst in upon my family with the announcement—
[1.16] "I've enlisted!"
[1.17] An impressive silence followed. Tom, the irrepressible, broke it with a slap on the shoulder and the graceful compliment—
[1.18] "Old Trib, you're a trump!" [trump = first-rate person]
"Thank you; then I'll
take* something:" which I did,
in the shape of dinner, reeling off my news at the rate of three dozen words to
a mouthful; and as every one else talked equally fast, and all together, the
scene was most inspiring.
[*to "take something" usually means to take a drink as
if for medicinal purposes]
[*to "take something" usually means to take a drink as if for medicinal purposes]
[>extended metaphor for
humorous purposes>] As boys going to sea immediately
become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and
shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once,
called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade
that very afternoon. Having reviewed every rag I possessed, I detailed some for
picket duty while airing over the fence; some to the sanitary influences of the
wash-tub; others to mount guard in the trunk; while the weak and wounded went to
[1.21] "That's just your luck, Trib. I'll tote your trunk up garret [upstairs] for you again; for of course you won't go," Tom remarked, with the disdainful pity which small boys affect when they get into their teens. I was wavering in my secret soul, but that settled the matter, and I crushed him on the spot with martial brevity—
[1.23] I have a confused recollection of spending the afternoon in pervading the house like an executive whirlwind, with my family swarming after me, all working, talking, prophesying and lamenting, while I packed my "go-abroady" possessions, tumbled the rest into two big boxes, danced on the lids till they shut, and gave them in charge, with the direction,—
[1.24] "If I never come back, make a bonfire of them."
[1.25] Then I choked down a cup of tea, generously salted instead of sugared, by some agitated relative, shouldered my knapsack—it was only a traveling bag, but do let me preserve the unities*—hugged my family three times all round without a vestige of unmanly emotion, till a certain dear old lady broke down upon my neck, with a despairing sort of wail— [*i.e., maintain consistency in her extended military metaphor; Alcott's humorous distance on herself = wit]
[1.26] "Oh, my dear, my dear, how can I let you go?"
[1.27] "I'll stay if you say so, mother."
[1.28] "But I don't; go, and the Lord will take care of you."
[1.29] Much of the Roman matron's courage had gone into the Yankee [New England] matron's composition, and, in spite of her tears, she would have sent ten sons to the war, had she possessed them, as freely as she sent one daughter, smiling and flapping on the door-step till I vanished, though the eyes that followed me were very dim, and the handkerchief she waved was very wet. [<sentiment>]
[1.30] My transit from The Gables to the village depot was a funny mixture of good wishes and good byes, mud-puddles and shopping. A December twilight is not the most cheering time to enter upon a somewhat perilous enterprise, and, but for the presence of Vashti [sister] and neighbor Thorn, I fear that I might have added a drop of the briny [salt water; i.e. tears] to the native moisture of—
"The town I left behind me;"
though I'd no thought of giving out: oh, bless you, no! When the engine screeched "Here we are," I clutched my escort in a fervent embrace, and skipped into the [railroad] car with as blithe [carefree] a farewell as if going on a bridal tour—though I believe brides don't usually wear cavernous black bonnets and fuzzy brown coats, with a hair-brush, a pair of rubbers, two books, and a bag of ginger-bread distorting the pockets of the same. If I thought that any one would believe it, I'd boldly state that I slept from C. to B., which would simplify matters immensely; but as I know they wouldn't, I'll confess that the head under the funereal coal-hod [black bonnet looks like a coal-bucket] fermented with all manner of high thoughts and heroic purposes "to do or die,"—perhaps both; and the heart under the fuzzy brown coat felt very tender with the memory of the dear old lady, probably sobbing over her army socks and the loss of her topsy-turvy Trib. At this juncture I took the veil, and what I did behind it is nobody's business; but I maintain that the soldier who cries when his mother says "Good bye," is the boy to fight best, and die bravest, when the time comes, or go back to her better than he went.
[1.31] Till nine o'clock I trotted about the city streets, doing those last errands which no woman would even go to heaven without attempting, if she could. Then I went to my usual refuge, and, fully intending to keep awake, as a sort of vigil appropriate to the occasion, fell fast asleep and dreamed propitious dreams till my rosy-faced cousin waked me with a kiss.
[1.32] A bright day smiled upon my
enterprise, and at ten I reported myself to my General, received last
instructions and no end of the sympathetic encouragement which women give, in
look, touch, and tone more effectually than in words. The next step was to get a
free pass to ["spinster's
mite" = word-play on "widow's mite" from
Mark 12: 41-44, Luke 21: 1-4]
["spinster's mite" = word-play on "widow's mite" from Mark 12: 41-44, Luke 21: 1-4]
[chapter 1 continues to describe
the protagonist's journey to
from Chapter 4. A Night
[4.1] Being fond of the night side of nature, I was soon promoted to the post of night nurse, with every facility for indulging in my favorite pastime of "owling." [<being a night-owl] My colleague, a black-eyed widow, relieved me at dawn, we two taking care of the ward, between us, like the immortal Sairy and Betsey [?], "turn and turn about." [work by turns] I usually found my boys in the jolliest state of mind their condition allowed; for it was a known fact that Nurse Periwinkle objected to blue devils [depressed moods], and entertained a belief that he who laughed most was surest of recovery. At the beginning of my reign, dumps and dismals prevailed; the nurses looked anxious and tired, the men gloomy or sad; and a general "Hark!-from-the-tombs-a-doleful-sound" style of conversation seemed to be the fashion: a state of things which caused one coming from a merry, social New England town, to feel as if she had got into an exhausted receiver [bankruptcy case]; and the instinct of self-preservation, to say nothing of a philanthropic desire to serve the race, caused a speedy change in Ward No. 1.
[4.2] More flattering than the most gracefully turned compliment, more grateful than the most admiring glance, was the sight of those rows of faces, all strange to me a little while ago, now lighting up, with smiles of welcome, as I came among them, enjoying that moment heartily, with a womanly pride in their regard, a motherly affection for them all. The evenings were spent in reading aloud, writing letters, waiting on and amusing the men, going the rounds with Dr. P., as he made his second daily survey, dressing my dozen wounds afresh, giving last doses, and making them cozy for the long hours to come, till the nine o'clock bell rang, the gas was turned down, the day nurses went off duty, the night watch came on, and my nocturnal adventure began.
[4.3] My ward was now divided into three rooms; and, under favor of the matron, I had managed to sort out the patients in such a way that I had what I called, "my duty room," my "pleasure room," and my "pathetic room," and worked for each in a different way. One, I visited, armed with a dressing tray, full of rollers, plasters, and pins; another, with books, flowers, games, and gossip; a third, with teapots, lullabies, consolation, and sometimes, a shroud.
[4.4] Wherever the sickest or most helpless man chanced to be, there I held my watch, often visiting the other rooms, to see that the general watchman of the ward did his duty by the fires and the wounds, the latter needing constant wetting. Not only on this account did I meander [take a winding course], but also to get fresher air than the close rooms afforded; for, owing to the stupidity of that mysterious "somebody" who does all the damage in the world, the windows had been carefully nailed down above, and the lower sashes could only be raised in the mildest weather, for the men lay just below. I had suggested a summary smashing of a few panes here and there, when frequent appeals to headquarters had proved unavailing, and daily orders to lazy attendants had come to nothing. No one seconded the motion, however, and the nails were far beyond my reach; for, though belonging to the sisterhood of "ministering angels," I had no wings, and might as well have asked for Jacob's ladder, as a pair of steps, in that charitable chaos.
[4.5] One of the harmless ghosts who bore me company during the haunted hours, was Dan, the watchman, whom I regarded with a certain awe; for, though so much together, I never fairly saw his face, and, but for his legs, should never have recognized him, as we seldom met by day. These legs were remarkable, as was his whole figure, for his body was short, rotund, and done up in a big jacket, and muffler; his beard hid the lower part of his face, his hat-brim the upper; and all I ever discovered was a pair of sleepy eyes, and a very mild voice. But the legs!—very long, very thin, very crooked and feeble, looking like grey sausages in their tight coverings, without a ray of pegtopishness [?] about them, and finished off with a pair of expansive, green cloth shoes, very like Chinese junks [boxy sailing ships], with the sails down. This figure, gliding noiselessly about the dimly lighted rooms, was strongly suggestive of the spirit of a beer barrel mounted on cork-screws, haunting the old hotel in search of its lost mates, emptied and staved [broken] in long ago.
[4.6] Another goblin who frequently appeared to me, was the attendant of the pathetic room, who, being a faithful soul, was often up to tend two or three men, weak and wandering as babies, after the fever had gone. The amiable creature beguiled the watches of the night by brewing jorums [large drinking vessels] of a fearful beverage, which he called coffee, and insisted on sharing with me; coming in with a great bowl of something like mud soup, scalding hot, guiltless of cream, rich in an all-pervading flavor of molasses, scorch and tin pot. Such an amount of good will and neighborly kindness also went into the mess, that I never could find the heart to refuse, but always received it with thanks, sipped it with hypocritical relish while he remained, and whipped it into the slop-jar the instant he departed, thereby gratifying him, securing one rousing laugh in the doziest hour of the night, and no one was the worse for the transaction but the pigs. Whether they were "cut off untimely in their sins," or not, I carefully abstained from inquiring.
[4.7] It was a strange life—asleep half the day, exploring Washington the other half, and all night hovering, like a massive cherubim [angel], in a red rigolette [woman's light scarflike head covering], over the slumbering sons of man. I liked it, and found many things to amuse, instruct, and interest me. The snores alone were quite a study, varying from the mild sniff to the stentorian snort, which startled the echoes and hoisted the performer erect to accuse his neighbor of the deed, magnanimously forgive him, and wrapping the drapery of his couch about him, lie down to vocal slumber [more snoring]. After listening for a week to this band of wind instruments, I indulged in the belief that I could recognize each by the snore alone, and was tempted to join the chorus by breaking out with John Brown's favorite hymn: [John Brown (1800-59), fiery abolitionist]
[4.8] "Blow ye the trumpet, blow!"
I would have given much to have
possessed the art of sketching, for many of the faces became wonderfully
interesting when unconscious. Some grew stern and grim, the men evidently
dreaming of war, as they gave orders, groaned over their wounds, or damned the
rebels vigorously; some grew sad and infinitely pathetic,
as if the pain borne silently all day,
revenged itself by now betraying what the man's pride had concealed so well.
Often the roughest grew young and pleasant
when sleep smoothed the hard lines away, letting the real
nature assert itself; many almost seemed to speak, and I learned to know these
men better by night than through any intercourse by day. Sometimes they
disappointed me, for faces that looked merry and good in the light, grew bad and
sly when the shadows came; and though they made no confidences in words, I read
their lives, leaving them to wonder at the change of manner this midnight magic
wrought in their nurse. A few talked busily; one drummer boy sang sweetly,
though no persuasions could win a note from him by day; and several depended on
being told what they had talked of in the morning. Even my constitutionals
in the chilly halls, possessed a certain charm, for the
house was never still. Sentinels tramped round it all night long, their muskets
glittering in the wintry moonlight as they walked, or stood before the doors,
straight and silent, as figures of stone, causing one to conjure up romantic
visions of guarded forts, sudden surprises, and daring deeds; for
in these war times the humdrum life of
Yankeedom had vanished, and the most prosaic feel some thrill of that excitement
which stirs the nation's heart, and makes its capital [Washington] a camp of hospitals.
Wandering up and down these lower halls, I often heard cries from above, steps
hurrying to and fro, saw surgeons passing up, or men coming down carrying a
stretcher, where lay a long white figure, whose face was shrouded and whose
fight was done. Sometimes I stopped to watch the passers in the street, the
moonlight shining on the spire opposite, or the gleam of some vessel floating,
like a white-winged sea-gull, down the broad
[Potomac = river in District of Columbia]
[Potomac = river in District of Columbia]
The night whose events I have a fancy to
record, opened with a little comedy, and closed with a great tragedy; for a
virtuous and useful life untimely ended is always tragical to
those who see not as God sees. My
headquarters were beside the bed of
[4.11] It was past eleven, and my patient was slowly wearying himself into fitful intervals of quietude, when, in one of these pauses, a curious sound arrested my attention. Looking over my shoulder, I saw a one-legged phantom hopping nimbly down the room; and, going to meet it, recognized a certain Pennsylvania gentleman, whose wound-fever [from infection?] had taken a turn for the worse, and, depriving him of the few wits a drunken campaign had left him, set him literally tripping on the light, fantastic toe "toward home," as he blandly informed me, touching the military cap which formed a striking contrast to the severe simplicity of the rest of his decidedly undress uniform. When sane, the least movement produced a roar of pain or a volley of oaths; but the departure of reason seemed to have wrought an agreeable change, both in the man and his manners; for, balancing himself on one leg, like a meditative stork, he plunged into an animated discussion of the war, the President, lager beer, and Enfield rifles, regardless of any suggestions of mine as to the propriety of returning to bed, lest he be court-martialed for desertion.
Any thing more supremely ridiculous
can hardly be imagined than this figure, scantily draped in white, its one foot
covered with a big blue sock, a dingy cap set rakingly askew on its shaven head,
and placid satisfaction beaming in its broad red face, as it flourished a mug in
one hand, an old boot in the other, calling them canteen and knapsack, while it
skipped and fluttered in the most unearthly fashion. What to do with the
creature I didn't know; Dan was absent, and if I went to find him, the
perambulator might festoon himself out of the window, set his toga on fire, or
do some of his neighbors a mischief. The attendant of the room was sleeping like
a near relative of the celebrated Seven
[the legendary Seven Sleepers],
and nothing short of pins would rouse him; for he had been out that day, and
whiskey asserted its supremacy in balmy whiffs. Still declaiming, in a fine flow
of eloquence, the demented gentleman hopped on, blind and deaf to my graspings
and entreaties; and I was about to slam the door in his face, and run for help,
when a second and saner phantom, "all in white," came to the rescue, in the
likeness of a big Prussian
who spoke no English, but divined the crisis, and put an end to it, by bundling
the lively monoped
into his bed, like a baby, with an
authoritative command to "stay put," which received added weight from being
delivered in an odd conglomeration of French and German, accompanied by warning
wags of a head decorated with a yellow cotton night cap, rendered most imposing
by a tassel like a bell-pull. Rather exhausted by his excursion, the member from
[4.13] "What is it, Teddy?" I asked, as he rubbed the tears away, and checked himself in the middle of a great sob to answer plaintively:
[4.14] "I've got a chill, ma'am, but I ain’t cryin' for that, 'cause I'm used to it. I dreamed Kit was here, and when I waked up he wasn't, and I couldn't help it, then."
[4.15] The boy came in with the rest, and the man who was taken dead from the ambulance was the Kit he mourned. Well he might; for, when the wounded were brought from Fredericksburg, the child lay in one of the camps thereabout, and this good friend, though sorely hurt himself, would not leave him to the exposure and neglect of such a time and place; but, wrapping him in his own blanket, carried him in his arms to the transport, tended him during the passage, and only yielded up his charge when Death met him at the door of the hospital which promised care and comfort for the boy. For ten days, Teddy had shivered or burned with fever and ague [chills], pining the while for Kit, and refusing to be comforted, because he had not been able to thank him for the generous protection, which, perhaps, had cost the giver's life. The vivid dream had wrung the childish heart with a fresh pang, and when I tried the solace fitted for his years, the remorseful fear that haunted him found vent in a fresh burst of tears, as he looked at the wasted hands I was endeavoring to warm:
[4.16] "Oh! if I'd only been as thin when Kit carried me as I am now, maybe he wouldn't have died; but I was heavy, he was hurt worser than we knew, and so it killed him; and I didn't see him, to say good bye."
[4.17] This thought had troubled him in secret; and my assurances that his friend would probably have died at all events, hardly assuaged the bitterness of his regretful grief.
[4.18] At this juncture, the delirious man began to shout; the one-legged rose up in his bed, as if preparing for another dart, Teddy bewailed himself more piteously than before: and if ever a woman was at her wit's end, that distracted female was Nurse Periwinkle, during the space of two or three minutes, as she vibrated between the three beds, like an agitated pendulum. Like a most opportune reinforcement, Dan, the bandy [bowlegged watchman], appeared, and devoted himself to the lively party, leaving me free to return to my post; for the Prussian, with a nod and a smile, took the lad away to his own bed, and lulled him to sleep with a soothing murmur, like a mammoth humble [bumble] bee. I liked that in Fritz, and if he ever wondered afterward at the dainties which sometimes found their way into his rations, or the extra comforts of his bed, he might have found a solution of the mystery in sundry persons' knowledge of the fatherly action of that night.
[4.19] Hardly was I settled again, when the inevitable bowl [of coffee] appeared, and its bearer delivered a message I had expected, yet dreaded to receive:
[4.20] "John is going [dying], ma'am, and wants to see you, if you can come."
[4.21] "The moment this boy is asleep; tell him so, and let me know if I am in danger of being too late."
[messenger of the gods]
departed, and while I quieted poor Shaw, I thought of John.
He came in a day or two after the others; and, one evening, when I entered my
"pathetic room," I
found a lately
emptied bed occupied by a large, fair man, with a fine face, and the serenest
eyes I ever met. One of the earlier comers had often spoken of a friend, who had
remained behind, that those apparently worse wounded than himself might reach a
shelter first. It seemed a David and Jonathan sort of friendship*. The man
fretted for his mate, and was never tired of praising John—his courage,
sobriety, self-denial, and unfailing kindliness of heart; always winding up
with: "He's an out an' out fine feller, ma'am; you see if he ain’t."
[David & Prince Jonathan
(son of King Saul) fought together for
[4.23] I had some curiosity to behold this piece of excellence, and when he came, watched him for a night or two, before I made friends with him; for, to tell the truth, I was a little afraid of the stately-looking man, whose bed had to be lengthened to accommodate his commanding stature; who seldom spoke, uttered no complaint, asked no sympathy, but tranquilly observed what went on about him; and, as he lay high upon his pillows, no picture of dying statesman or warrior was ever fuller of real dignity than this Virginia blacksmith. A most attractive face he had, framed in brown hair and beard, comely-featured and full of vigor, as yet unsubdued by pain; thoughtful and often beautifully mild while watching the afflictions of others, as if entirely forgetful of his own. His mouth was grave and firm, with plenty of will and courage in its lines, but a smile could make it as sweet as any woman's; and his eyes were child's eyes, looking one fairly in the face, with a clear, straightforward glance, which promised well for such as placed their faith in him. He seemed to cling to life, as if it were rich in duties and delights, and he had learned the secret of content [contentment]. The only time I saw his composure disturbed, was when my surgeon brought another to examine John, who scrutinized their faces with an anxious look, asking of the elder: "Do you think I shall pull through, sir?" "I hope so, my man." And, as the two passed on, John's eye still followed them, with an intentness which would have won a clearer answer from them, had they seen it. A momentary shadow flitted over his face; then came the usual serenity, as if, in that brief eclipse, he had acknowledged the existence of some hard possibility, and, asking nothing yet hoping all things, left the issue in God's hands, with that submission which is true piety.
[4.24] The next night, as I went my rounds with Dr. P., I happened to ask which man in the room probably suffered most; and, to my great surprise, he glanced at John:
[4.25] "Every breath he draws is like a stab; for the ball pierced the left lung, broke a rib, and did no end of damage here and there; so the poor lad can find neither forgetfulness nor ease, because he must lie on his wounded back or suffocate. It will be a hard struggle, and a long one, for he possesses great vitality; but even his temperate life can't save him; I wish it could."
[4.26] "You don't mean he must die, Doctor?"
[4.27] "Bless you there's not the slightest hope for him; and you'd better tell him so before long; women have a way of doing such things comfortably, so I leave it to you. He won't last more than a day or two, at furthest."
[4.28] I could have sat down on the spot and cried heartily, if I had not learned the wisdom of bottling up one's tears for leisure moments. Such an end seemed very hard for such a man, when half a dozen worn out, worthless bodies round him, were gathering up the remnants of wasted lives, to linger on for years perhaps, burdens to others, daily reproaches to themselves. The army needed men like John, earnest, brave, and faithful; fighting for liberty and justice with both heart and hand, true soldiers of the Lord. I could not give him up so soon, or think with any patience of so excellent a nature robbed of its fulfillment, and blundered into eternity by the rashness or stupidity of those at whose hands so many lives may be required. It was an easy thing for Dr. P. to say: "Tell him he must die," but a cruelly hard thing to do, and by no means as "comfortable" as he politely suggested. I had not the heart to do it then, and privately indulged the hope that some change for the better might take place, in spite of gloomy prophecies; so, rendering my task unnecessary. A few minutes later, as I came in again, with fresh rollers [bandages?], I saw John sitting erect, with no one to support him, while the surgeon dressed his back. I had never hitherto seen it done; for, having simpler wounds to attend to, and knowing the fidelity of the attendant, I had left John to him, thinking it might be more agreeable and safe; for both strength and experience were needed in his case. I had forgotten that the strong man might long for the gentle attendance of a woman's hands, the sympathetic magnetism of a woman's presence, as well as the feebler souls about him. The Doctor's words caused me to reproach myself with neglect, not of any real duty perhaps, but of those little cares and kindnesses that solace homesick spirits, and make the heavy hours pass easier. John looked lonely and forsaken just then, as he sat with bent head, hands folded on his knee, and no outward sign of suffering, till, looking nearer, I saw great tears roll down and drop upon the floor. It was a new sight there; for, though I had seen many suffer, some swore, some groaned, most endured silently, but none wept. Yet it did not seem weak, only very touching, and straightway my fear vanished, my heart opened wide and took him in, as, gathering the bent head in my arms, as freely as if he had been a little child, I said, "Let me help you bear it, John."
[4.29] Never, on any human countenance, have I seen so swift and beautiful a look of gratitude, surprise and comfort, as that which answered me more eloquently than the whispered—
[4.30] "Thank you, ma'am, this is right good! this is what I wanted!"
[4.31] "Then why not ask for it before?"
[4.32] "I didn't like to be a trouble; you seemed so busy, and I could manage to get on alone."
[4.33] "You shall not want it any more, John."
[4.34] Nor did he; for now I understood the wistful look that sometimes followed me, as I went out, after a brief pause beside his bed, or merely a passing nod, while busied with those who seemed to need me more than he, because more urgent in their demands; now I knew that to him, as to so many, I was the poor substitute for mother, wife, or sister, and in his eyes no stranger, but a friend who hitherto had seemed neglectful; for, in his modesty, he had never guessed the truth. This was changed now; and, through the tedious operation of probing, bathing, and dressing his wounds, he leaned against me, holding my hand fast, and, if pain wrung further tears from him, no one saw them fall but me. When he was laid down again, I hovered about him, in a remorseful state of mind that would not let me rest, till I had bathed his face, brushed his "bonny brown hair," set all things smooth about him, and laid a knot of heath and heliotrope on his clean pillow. While doing this, he watched me with the satisfied expression I so liked to see; and when I offered the little nosegay [small bouquet], held it carefully in his great hand, smoothed a ruffled leaf or two, surveyed and smelt it with an air of genuine delight, and lay contentedly regarding the glimmer of the sunshine on the green. Although the manliest man among my forty, he said, "Yes, ma'am," like a little boy; received suggestions for his comfort with the quick smile that brightened his whole face; and now and then, as I stood tidying the table by his bed, I felt him softly touch my gown, as if to assure himself that I was there. Anything more natural and frank I never saw, and found this brave John as bashful as brave, yet full of excellencies and fine aspirations, which, having no power to express themselves in words, seemed to have bloomed into his character and made him what he was.
[4.35] After that night, an hour of each evening that remained to him was devoted to his ease or pleasure. He could not talk much, for breath was precious, and he spoke in whispers; but from occasional conversations, I gleaned scraps of private history which only added to the affection and respect I felt for him. Once he asked me to write a letter, and as I settled pen and paper, I said, with an irrepressible glimmer of feminine curiosity, "Shall it be addressed to wife, or mother, John?"
[4.36] "Neither, ma'am; I've got no wife, and will write to mother myself when I get better. Did you think I was married because of this?" he asked, touching a plain ring he wore, and often turned thoughtfully on his finger when he lay alone.
[4.37] "Partly that, but more from a settled sort of look you have; a look which young men seldom get until they marry."
[4.38] "I didn't know that; but I'm not so very young, ma'am, thirty in May, and have been what you might call settled this ten years; for mother's a widow, I'm the oldest child she has, and it wouldn't do for me to marry until Lizzy has a home of her own, and Laurie's learned his trade; for we're not rich, and I must be father to the children and husband to the dear old woman, if I can."
[4.39] "No doubt but you are both, John; yet how came you to go to war, if you felt so? Wasn't enlisting as bad as marrying?"
[4.40] "No, ma'am, not as I see it, for one is helping my neighbor, the other pleasing myself. I went because I couldn't help it. I didn't want the glory or the pay; I wanted the right thing done, and people kept saying the men who were in earnest ought to fight. I was in earnest, the Lord knows! but I held off as long as I could, not knowing which was my duty; mother saw the case, gave me her ring to keep me steady, and said 'Go:' so I went."
[4.41] A short story and a simple one, but the man and the mother were portrayed better than pages of fine writing could have done it.
[4.42] "Do you ever regret that you came, when you lie here suffering so much?"
[4.43] "Never, ma'am; I haven't helped a great deal, but I've shown I was willing to give my life, and perhaps I've got to; but I don't blame anybody, and if it was to do over again, I'd do it. I'm a little sorry I wasn't wounded in front; it looks cowardly to be hit in the back, but I obeyed orders, and it don't matter in the end, I know."
[4.44] Poor John! it did not matter now, except that a shot in the front might have spared the long agony in store for him. He seemed to read the thought that troubled me, as he spoke so hopefully when there was no hope, for he suddenly added:
[4.45] "This is my first battle; do they think it's going to be my last?"
[4.46] "I'm afraid they do, John."
[4.47] It was the hardest question I had ever been called upon to answer; doubly hard with those clear eyes fixed on mine, forcing a truthful answer by their own truth. He seemed a little startled at first, pondered over the fateful fact a moment, then shook his head, with a glance at the broad chest and muscular limbs stretched out before him:
[4.48] "I'm not afraid, but it's difficult to believe all at once. I'm so strong it don't seem possible for such a little wound to kill me."
[4.49] Merry Mercutio's dying words [from Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet] glanced through my memory as he spoke: "'Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough." And John would have said the same could he have seen the ominous black holes between his shoulders; he never had; and, seeing the ghastly sights about him, could not believe his own wound more fatal than these, for all the suffering it caused him.
[4.50] "Shall I write to your mother, now?" I asked, thinking that these sudden tidings might change all plans and purposes; but they did not; for the man received the order of the Divine Commander to march with the same unquestioning obedience with which the soldier had received that of the human one; doubtless remembering that the first led him to life, and the last to death.
[4.51] "No, ma'am; to Laurie just the same; he'll break it to her best, and I'll add a line to her myself when you get done."
[4.52] So I wrote the letter which he dictated, finding it better than any I had sent; for, though here and there a little ungrammatical or inelegant, each sentence came to me briefly worded, but most expressive; full of excellent counsel to the boy, tenderly bequeathing "mother and Lizzie" to his care, and bidding him goodbye in words the sadder for their simplicity. He added a few lines, with steady hand, and, as I sealed it, said, with a patient sort of sigh, "I hope the answer will come in time for me to see it;" then, turning away his face, laid the flowers against his lips, as if to hide some quiver of emotion at the thought of such a sudden sundering of all the dear home ties.
[4.53] These things had happened two days before; now John was dying, and the letter had not come. I had been summoned to many death beds in my life, but to none that made my heart ache as it did then, since my mother called me to watch the departure of a spirit akin to this in its gentleness and patient strength. As I went in, John stretched out both hands:
[4.54] "I knew you'd come! I guess I'm moving on, ma'am."
[4.55] He was; and so rapidly that, even while he spoke, over his face I saw the grey veil falling that no human hand can lift. I sat down by him, wiped the drops from his forehead, stirred the air about him with the slow wave of a fan, and waited to help him die. He stood in sore need of help—and I could do so little; for, as the doctor had foretold, the strong body rebelled against death, and fought every inch of the way, forcing him to draw each breath with a spasm, and clench his hands with an imploring look, as if he asked, "How long must I endure this, and be still!" For hours he suffered dumbly [silently], without a moment's respite, or a moment's murmuring; his limbs grew cold, his face damp, his lips white, and, again and again, he tore the covering off his breast, as if the lightest weight added to his agony; yet through it all, his eyes never lost their perfect serenity, and the man's soul seemed to sit therein, undaunted by the ills that vexed his flesh.
[4.56] One by one, the men woke, and round the room appeared a circle of pale faces and watchful eyes, full of awe and pity; for, though a stranger, John was beloved by all. Each man there had wondered at his patience, respected his piety, admired his fortitude, and now lamented his hard death; for the influence of an upright nature had made itself deeply felt, even in one little week. Presently, the Jonathan who so loved this comely David, came creeping from his bed for a last look and word. The kind soul was full of trouble, as the choke in his voice, the grasp of his hand, betrayed; but there were no tears, and the farewell of the friends was the more touching for its brevity.
[4.57] "Old boy, how are you?" faltered the one.
[4.58] "Most through, thank heaven!" whispered the other.
[4.59] "Can I say or do anything for you anywheres?"
[4.60] "Take my things home, and tell them that I did my best."
[4.61] "I will! I will!"
[4.62] "Good bye, Ned."
[4.63] "Good bye, John, good bye!"
[4.64] They kissed each other, tenderly as women, and so parted, for poor Ned could not stay to see his comrade die. For a little while, there was no sound in the room but the drip of water, from a stump or two, and John's distressful gasps, as he slowly breathed his life away. I thought him nearly gone, and had just laid down the fan, believing its help to be no longer needed, when suddenly he rose up in his bed, and cried out with a bitter cry that broke the silence, sharply startling every one with its agonized appeal:
[4.65] "For God's sake, give me air!"
[4.66] It was the only cry pain or death had wrung from him, the only boon [gift] he had asked; and none of us could grant it, for all the airs that blew were useless now. Dan flung up the window. The first red streak of dawn was warming the grey east, a herald of the coming sun; John saw it, and with the love of light which lingers in us to the end, seemed to read in it a sign of hope of help, for, over his whole face there broke that mysterious expression, brighter than any smile, which often comes to eyes that look their last. He laid himself gently down; and, stretching out his strong right arm, as if to grasp and bring the blessed air to his lips in a fuller flow, lapsed into a merciful unconsciousness, which assured us that for him suffering was forever past. He died then; for, though the heavy breaths still tore their way up for a little longer, they were but the waves of an ebbing tide that beat unfelt against the wreck, which an immortal voyager had deserted with a smile. He never spoke again, but to the end held my hand close, so close that when he was asleep at last, I could not draw it away. Dan helped me, warning me as he did so that it was unsafe for dead and living flesh to lie so long together; but though my hand was strangely cold and stiff, and four white marks remained across its back, even when warmth and color had returned elsewhere, I could not but be glad that, through its touch, the presence of human sympathy, perhaps, had lightened that hard hour.
[4.67] When they had made him ready for the grave, John lay in state for half an hour, a thing which seldom happened in that busy place; but a universal sentiment of reverence and affection seemed to fill the hearts of all who had known or heard of him; and when the rumor of his death went through the house, always astir, many came to see him, and I felt a tender sort of pride in my lost patient; for he looked a most heroic figure, lying there stately and still as the statue of some young knight asleep upon his tomb. The lovely expression which so often beautifies dead faces, soon replaced the marks of pain, and I longed for those who loved him best to see him when half an hour's acquaintance with Death had made them friends. As we stood looking at him, the ward master handed me a letter, saying it had been forgotten the night before. It was John's letter, come just an hour too late to gladden the eyes that had longed and looked for it so eagerly! yet he had it; for, after I had cut some brown locks for his mother, and taken off the ring to send her, telling how well the talisman [charm; i.e., the ring] had done its work, I kissed this good son for her sake, and laid the letter in his hand, still folded as when I drew my own away, feeling that its place was there, and making myself happy with the thought, that, even in his solitary place in the "Government Lot" [military cemetery], he would not be without some token of the love which makes life beautiful and outlives death. Then I left him, glad to have known so genuine a man, and carrying with me an enduring memory of the brave Virginia blacksmith, as he lay serenely waiting for the dawn of that long day which knows no night.